Autumn Calvert

Category: Faith

  • Flip Off Fear In 5 Steps

    Flip Off Fear In 5 Steps

    Win the battle against fear.

     

     

    I stepped up onto the platform. It was higher than I first thought. Too high. I don’t like heights. Though the padding below promised a soft landing, it did little in the way of helping me feel confident.

    “You are the Simone Biles of klutz. This is not a good idea.”

    The voice in my head spoke these words loudly as my palms got sweaty, and my knees shook.

    A kid, about 4 or 5 years old, skipped me in line…again. I let him. I was still trying to decide whether to take the stairs back down to safety or jettison myself off of this platform and slide through the air.

    “Surly, the folks who built this indoor trampoline playground tested this. Look! The four year old is killin’ this! Wait…we did have to sign a waiver. Why did we have to sign the waiver? Is this thing safe?”

    As the words floated into my conscience, another voice spoke up and made me move over to the zip line.

    “It’s time to give your fear the middle finger, girl. Do this.”

    Fear is a constant source of trouble. As someone with an anxiety disorder, my fight is daily and constant. Making decisions, even simple ones, is complicated and gut clinching. Even when I don’t have to make a quick decision, the thought of having to make a decision in the future can send me spiraling. My mind stays in hyperdrive most of the day. There are times I will even wake in the middle of the night in a panic.

    Fear.

    After I was diagnosed with the disorder, I began to seek out the best ways to handle it. I spent hours online reading articles and testimonies on the effects of anxiety. Often, I would find myself whispering, “Amen,” to the computer screen.

    Over the last 6 years, I have tried many tactics and self-help tricks, but few proved worthy.  This list is what has worked for me.

    It is a mantra I speak to myself daily, and I put it into action.

    FLIP OFF FEAR IN 5 STEPS

    1.  NAME THE DEVIL

    Fear is cunning. It likes to dress itself up in costumes of other emotions. There are times I think I am feeling angry, but once I start to strip away the burning desire to scream, fear is hiding in the corner snickering.  It is the same with sadness, jealousy,  and so on.

    I look at this sniveling little nuisance and begin to work through the rest of the list.

    What happens if I don’t work through this list? What if I stop at naming the devil?

    Fear begets more fear and births doubt.

    “I’m afraid of this fear. I cannot do this! I cannot conquer it! It is stronger than I am…”

    Before I can count to 5, the little freak as doubled in size, multiplied, and gone into hiding again. It has cloaked itself in my self-doubt and slithers away into the shadows. It knows if it stays in the shadows, it can restart it’s destruction. It finds a suitable costume, and the process begins again.

    Unless a decision is made to fight this battle now, it only makes the battle worse later.

    The first weapon in the arsenal is naming it.

    Name the devil. Then, take the next step.

    2. BREATHE

    Fear hates oxygen. What it wants to do is send the mind in a tailspin. It wants us to sweat, get nauseous, wide-eyed, and paralyzed.

    It wants us to hold our breath.

    But, when we start to fill up it’s living quarters with oxygen, it starts squirming like a fish on the sea shore.

    Why?

    Oxygen feeds our brain. It helps us to think deliberately and strategically. It calms everything down when fear has stirred it all up.

    Once fear has begun to fear it’s own demise, it will roar. It will go into it’s own version of a panic attack. It does not want to loose it’s playground and is cozy at home in the recesses of your brain.

    What does that look like? 

    More fear and more doubt.

    It is to be expected. This is the reaction of all things about to die. Letting fear’s fear take over only allows it to get a foot hold to fight back. Keep going.

    Name it, breathe deeply, and take the next step.

    3. SPEAK TRUTH

    Now, the devil is backed into a corner, it begins spewing words of doubt.

    “Look at you, little wimp, thinking you can defeat me!,” it cries in a monstrous cackle.

    Arguing with fear does no good.

    Fear is a bully.

    No matter what is said to it, it will have a response. Generally, it will be laughing at you.

    So, how to get through this part of the battle?

    Speak truth to yourself…not to your fear.

    “I am bigger than fear. I am stronger than fear. I am capable of winning. I will win. I will be the victor. I am the victor.”

    Fear will hear these words. As it gags on the oxygen in the brain, it will brag about it’s own strength, wit, and stealth. It will reach it’s dying arms out into the soul and charge it with electrical impulses of fight or flight.

    Don’t stop.

    Name it, Breathe, and Speak truth. Then, move to the next step.

    4. MOVE

    The intensity of the battle has reached a climax. Fear is pulling out all of the stops. Every play in the playbook and every trick in the bag is revealed. It knows death is close. It will not go down without a fight.

    Now is the time to move.

    Move towards the object of your fear. It could be as simple as a decision to walk out the door or as big as stepping out of an airplane for the first time sky diving. Either way, the battle is the same.

    Propelling the body towards the feared object or situation requires activation of all the other steps. The little freak will begin to grow larger the closer the object or the situation gets. It does what fear does…attacks.

    Name the devil, breathe, speak truth, move…repeat

    The devil is defeated when the food supply is gone. It no longer has footing. It no longer has it’s feast. It no longer has doubt as a weapon. Now, the situation has been dealt with, the decision has been made, the snake has been handled, the step out of the airplane has been taken, and fear has been proven wrong.

    Fear has been conquered. The battle is won.

    Now, take the next step.

    5. TRAIN

    Prepare for the next battle.

    Fear has thousands of identical twins lurking in the corners of the mind. With anxiety disorders, the chemistry in the brain is jacked up. It is a water source for fear.

    Slowly, over time, I believe the chemistry can be changed. But, it takes training.

    How does one train to conquer fear?

    Meditation, exercise and diet.

    Like with all training, it takes time. Time to set routines. Time to learn how to do it. Time to conquer fear enough to even start.

    Pick one of the above and start slowly. I have found if I do too much too soon, I give up. Starting slowly with training will set those routines in place. Each time you do a session, confidence grows.

    If you pick mediation, do a 5-minute mediation every morning or evening and gradually move up in time. If you pick exercise, do 5-minutes a day and move up. If you pick diet, eat one healthy food a day and move up.

    Sometimes, a season of training is put on pause due to depression or other issues, it is ok. Let me repeat this again:

    IT IS OK!!!!

    The trick is to not allow this time of depression or forgetfulness conquer the training. If it has been a long time since training, IT IS OK! Start over with 5-minutes.We all have other battles we face in a day.

    NO JUDGEMENT! 

    Half of the battle with training is learning how to take care of the mind. Taking care of the mind means to be accepting of where one finds themselves.

    Fear does not want us to be kind or gentle to ourselves.

    It wants a person to feel disappointed in themselves and defeated by themselves. Once a person feels defeated, the voice of fear is amplified over all the other voices of truth.

    Being kind to oneself oftentimes requires these same steps listed above:

    Name the devil (Self-defeating talk)

    Breathe (Oxygen stimulates confidence)

    Speak Truth (You truly are worthy and capable.)

    Move (Do 5-minutes of training.)

    Train (Keep Training)

     

    SIMONE WOULD BE PROUD

    I reached out an grabbed the zip-line bars. I looked down at the guy operating the zip-line. He was smiling at me. Something in his smile gave the extra boost of confidence to step off the platform.

    I flew through the air. The rushing wind flowed over my face, and I giggled. It was fun! Not only was it fun, it was a win for the “me” team! The carcass of fear dissolved.

    I let go of the bars and landed in the soft foam below. Immediately, I gave the zip-line worker 2-thumbs up.

    I had won against my own fear. The taste of victory was divine.

    With a new-found confidence, I made my way over to the monkey swing. It, too, was on a high platform. Again, I let the little kid skip me in line…several times. I was working on tackling fear.

    Courage takes work.

    “This is only fear. Breathe, Autumn. Yeah…that’s good. Breathe more. Ok…keep doing that. You can do this. You are stronger than this fear. You are not the Simone Biles of klutz. You are powerful.”

    I moved over to the take off area and placed my hands on the swing handle bar. I looked over at the swing worker, and he was smiling.

    “I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”

    I stepped off the platform and into who I truly am.

    I am a conqueror. 

     

  • Broken People

    “You know, Autumn, the church is full of broken people.”

    I have recently had what many would call a crisis of faith. I would call it a crisis of faith in church.

    Yes. I have wondered if we are just a group of people who drank the Kool-Aide. I have wondered if we are just a group of people whom clan together for social experiences. I have wondered if there was a God. I have wondered if Jesus was the Son of God. The depths of my wondering have astounded even me.

    I am frustrated with church to the point of quitting altogether.

    I have spent the entirety of my life inside of the church. Time after time, I have been in church just to hear the hushed tones of people splattering other people’s reputation on the church steeple. I have watched as people have taken the cross of Christ to impale those who don’t agree with their interpretations of the gospel. I watch the plastered smiles and the insincere blessings of “God’s people” scattered like dead seeds. Every single church I have ever been in, this is the unwritten gospel: do unto others as you would have them do unto you…except when (insert desired situation).

    The church is full of broken people.

    Each time I begin to voice my frustrations, well-intentioned people say this to me. I never quite understood my discontent with the statement. It unnerved me.   Why do I start wiggling in my shoes each time I hear this?  Because…

    TOGETHER, WE SHOULD BE WHOLE.

    That is why. Together, we should be whole. Too many times, my voice is not heard. It is placated with patronizing comments or looks of shock. I do not want to be soothed. I do not want to shock. I want to find truth. I want to speak truth. I want people to be decent human beings. I want people to stop acting like assholes.

    If Jesus is truth, and we are his body, together, we should be whole.

    Guess what that means.

    It means the academics and the mentally challenged should find ways to connect. It means the rich and the poor are not unequal. It means the geeks and the jocks would enjoy and embrace their differences.  It means church would look far less like high school and much more like heaven.

    It means accepting the fact that your take on scripture might just be wrong. It means realizing that no one truly can ever know the truth until they are dead.  It means we stop trying to scare people into loving Jesus and start loving them.

    It means using your gifts to help others. It means allowing others to use their gifts to help you.

    It means studying the old way of “doing” church and gutting it to the bone. It means we look less on the numbers and more on the healing done around us. It means we quit worshipping the God of money, people, time, legacy, power, lust, and all else human. It means we should be set apart…not a political party.

    If the church is of God, where are the fruits?

    For centuries, people have done horrors to others in God’s name. Today, though there may not be blood involved, it still is.

    Why am I in a spiritual crisis?

    Because I don’t believe anyone else believes it either.

    If we did, we would stop using the excuse that the church is made up of broken people and start trying to be whole.

    If you find yourself disagreeing with me, that’s ok. Ask Jesus. He has been begging us to see this since way before he departed.

    He thought it was important, so why don’t we?

    Well…

    Jesus is only important when he fits into our own preconceived notions of who he is. Jesus is only important when we say he is.

    If we really believed him, we would already be whole.

    If we really believed him, we would not be such assholes.

    If we really believed him, the world, as we know it, would crumble.

    If we really believed him, we would be so bright that the world would want to extinguish the light.

    If we really believed him, we would see that when Jesus said, “The Kingdom of God is at hand,” he meant it. He meant that WE are capable of doing this.

    If we really believed, nothing could separate us from one another.

    If we really believed, we would be whole.

    But…nobody really does believe.

    I want to believe. I do. I want to see something different than what the world has shown me. I want to act differently than what the world has taught me.  I am broken. I know, but I want to believe that somehow, we can find wholeness in all this mess we call life.

    I want to believe that the church is much more than another sanctuary built for us to worship human brokenness.

    “You know, Autumn, the church is full of broken people.”

    Yes. It is. I am one of them. You are, too.

    However, Jesus says that together, we can be whole!

    Are we going to choose believe him or keep going on our merry way?

    Imagine what the church would look like if we really believed.

    That, my friends, is Jesus.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Snappy Snapshots

    Recently, I got the urge to look back through the photos taken of my son throughout his 3 years.  It was interesting to me that not only was I watching my son grow up, but I was also watching my photography skills refine.  When I first started taking photos, it was for the soul purpose of capturing my son’s moments in time.  However, because I am a Type-A personality, I could not just pick up the camera and go.  I began searching the internet for any and everything I could learn about photography techniques and about editing software.  Little did I know that once I learned one thing, I wanted to learn another, then another, and then yet another.  For 3 years now, this has been my life.  But, when I look back at those first photos, I find myself wishing someone had a list of things for me to consider.  Some of those first photos are beautiful, but I missed out on so much because I just didn’t know any better.  It was then I decided to help out new parents and new to photography parents with a list to help you get “Snappy Snapshots” of your kids.  SO, here we go!

     

    1.  TURN OFF THE FLASH!

    No matter whether you have a basic digital camera or a more expensive DSLR, learn to use the light to your advantage and do not use the flash.  On-camera flashes (the ones that pop up or go off at will) add an ugly hue to your photos and do weird things to your eyes.  Learning to use your available light will INSTANTLY make your photos better.  WARNING:  Learning to use available light is an area of study that will take you years to master.  Even then, there are new things to learn about light.  I will touch on this subject later.  For now, though, TURN OFF YOUR FLASH!!  😉  (For advanced photographers, this does not include bouncing flash 😉  )

     

    If I had used a flash with this, it would not have been nearly as inviting.  Ain’t he a doll 😉

    2.  TAKE TONS OF PHOTOS!

    If you think taking 4 or 5 images is taking a lot of photos, let me ask you to consider taking 200-300.  I know, this sounds crazy, but the only way to get those pictures you see on facebook that make you go, “Awwww” is by taking enough to catch the shot.  I have been photographing kids for 3 years now, and I am amazed at the number of expressions I will get in a 10 second period of time!  Take more pictures that you thought you should, and stop taking pictures when your kid is tired of the current activity.

    We were just hanging out in our jammies while he played with a container.

    3.  PREPARE!  PREPARE!!

    Seriously…PREPARE!  Not only should your batteries be charged, your cards empty and ready to go, and your location scouted out, but prepare your child!  If your child is an infant or toddler, you know those times of the day when they are just NOT in their “happy place”.  NEVER plan a shoot during those times unless you want punishment!  It’s not fun for them, and you will not want to pull your camera out again for a long time.  Pick a time of the day when everyone is happy!  Make sure the kid is fully fed and rested.  Then again, if you DO decide to take that picture because your schedule includes taking a boat ride during nap time, you can always smile when looking back at a photo like the one below. 🙂

    Yes. It was that loud.

     

    4.  GET CLOSER!

    Not always, but pick a session to get up really close you your child’s face.  Detail their eyes, hands, feet, ears, and eye lashes.  When taking these photos, make sure you are at eye level or just above eye level.  If photographing a baby, it is very easy to take the “up the nose” shot.  One way to alleviate this tendency is to remember:  Eye level or a bit above.  Sit on the floor…kneel…whatever you have to do to get on their level.  If you are a new parent, you will be AMAZED at how much your child changes.  Years down the road, you will look back at these photos and smile.

    I love this up close because you can see the few little teeth he had. So sweet!

    6.  GET CLOSER ANYWAY!

    We NEED those photos that show how much they have grown.  But taking a photo of your child in a room can be a tricky endeavor.  Make sure you get all of the child in the picture, but it isn’t always great to get the rest of the room in the picture.  What happens to most parents when taking their child’s photo is that they end up with a “Where’s Waldo” photo.  “Can you find little Johnny in this picture?”  One way to combat this is…wait for it…here it comes….GET CLOSER!  A trick we photographers use, and almost all visual artists use, is the rule of thirds.  Imagine, while looking through the camera viewfinder, a tic tac toe board on what you see.  Though most have the first instinct to put the main character of the picture smack dab in the middle, resist the urge and venture out!  Put little Johnny in the lower left corner!  Try off to the side a bit, or in the upper corner where the lines meet.  Play with this!   You can find LOTS of information on the web about the rule of thirds.  You will thank me later. 🙂

    Positioning your subject through your viewfinder can do great things for a photograph!

     

    6.   CHOSE A GREAT LOCATION!

    There are several factors to consider when choosing a great location, but the two most important are light and background.  If shooting inside, pick a room with a south facing window.  ***NOTE:  ALWAYS try to avoid harsh bright light!**  Photographers Trick:  Look at your child’s eyes.  A reflection of the light will show on their eyes.  This is extremely helpful when picking a good location.  You want this “Catch Light” to be on their iris and maybe touching the pupil…NOT covering the entire pupil.  2:00 or 10:00 position is optimal.  Sometimes you have to click off a few shots to make sure you have it just right.  Don’t stress yourself over the catch light, though.  Just make sure it is there.  When you to this, not only do you catch that  “sparkle” in the eyes, but you help yourself to some nice light.

    My baby doll. Check out the catch lights in his eyes. They are not perfect, but it sets off the whole image beautifully!  I just sat him in front of a window!

     

    Choosing a location background does not have to be that hard.  When I first started out, I threw a white sheet over the back of the couch and laid my son on the couch.  Of course, it was in front of a south facing window.  I was just learning to play with light, and I was tickled pink when I saw the photos!  However, there have been so many times I have taken a photo and thought, “This would have been PERFECT if I had just moved his (insert item:  toy, dirty bowl, etc.)”.  When shooting outside,  watch out for tree branches.  They will make your child look like he/she has antlers or some sort of tree or light pole or electrical wire growing out of their head. Take a second and consider the scene!  AND…As always, consider the light!  Outside expecially!!  Avoid harsh light, and instead, move into a shaded area.  BE AWARE of hot spots.  Hot spots are those little harsh light places that flow through the trees.  One way to make yourself really mad is to get this great picture of your kid, look at it, and then realize the “hot spots” made he/she look like they are polka dotted.  Even light.  Just think….EVEN LIGHT!

    With no fancy camera or no fancy lens, I managed to capture this beautiful photo of my sweet little boy.

     

    Being that I am a photographer, I positioned my son’s bed in his room in the best place I could find for light. This is what happened: I go to get him up from a nap with my trusty camera at my side, and, SNAP! I adore this photo.  And, did I say I was Type-A yet?  😉

     

     

    **One more trick:  Use a reflector.  You can cover a piece of cardboard with aluminum foil or just buy a white piece of foam board.  This is a more advanced technique, but you can use said reflector to “Bounce” light back on to your subject.  Just a fun little thing to try if you are interested.

     

    7.  FAMILY GATHERING:  MISSION IMPOSSIBLE?

    No!  Difficult?  Yes.  When it is just you and your child, you can, somewhat, control the variables.  But when you are at a family gathering with Aunt Lulu, Uncle Harvey, Cousin Alice, etc., and you want to capture the scene, everyone is doing whatever THEY want.  My best advice in this situation is to scout out a good source of light in the room and hang out around there.  When Uncle Harvey makes his way into this light, shoot it.  If Aunt Lulu wants her picture taken with little Johnny, say, “AWESOME!  Come and sit RIGHT HERE!”.  Now a’days at my family gatherings, people know what I do and they listen (or run…lol!).  The main thing is to have fun, but keep in mind that good pictures require good light.  Nest near the good light!  If you have older kids, you have more freedom to do some surveillance.  Go around, outside and in, and find your friends or relatives who are in good light and shoot it!  Understand that these photos may not be the best of the best, but they can be SUBSTANTIALLY better than they were in years past!  Embrace the imperfect!

    My son and a few of his cousins.
    My son, nephew, and my mom

     

    8.  PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!

    No matter what type of scene you find yourself in, PLAY!  Stay light-hearted and fun!  SMILE!  When taking photos of your child, play!  There are times your kid is NOT going to want to cooperate with where you want them to sit or stand.  That is totally cool!  Let ‘um go!  Just follow, and when they do manage to stop in good light, SHOOT IT!  The very last thing you want (trust me) is for your kid to frown and pout when you pick up your camera.  Fortunately, I started out making “Camera time”  fun for my son.  Now, it is just another fun activity we do!  It is equivalent to going to the park, coloring time, TV time, etc.  It is just something we do that is fun!  Create this for your kids!  Show them the photos!  Get them involved!  It can be a really special experience.  Not just because you have these beautiful photos to remember how amazing your child was, but because you are creating these great memories of the experience.  One of the reasons I love the photos of my son so much is because I remember the events surrounding the capturing of the photo.  I cherish those memories, and you will, too!

     

    Sometimes you just have to catch them mid stride. I sat in one place in the middle of the yard and snapped the shot when he was in good light.
    We have FUN taking pictures!

    9.  KNOW YOUR EQUIPMENT and PRACTICE!

    Read the owner’s manual.  Seriously.  Learn the camera, and know it so well you can do whatever you need to do FAST.  I have learned my camera so well that I can change settings without looking half the time.  When I do look, I change them FAST.  I read the manual.  And I practiced, practiced, practiced!  Take out your camera and look at all the buttons and learn what they do.  You can have a point-and-shoot or a fancy pants DSLR, but either way, you need to learn how it works.  I have taken, literally, thousands and thousands of photos.  You need to do the same if you want snappy snapshots of your kids.  Depending on how good you want to become is dependent on how much you want to control your camera.  You do not have to know everything about how to control the settings of your camera, though.  There are many “modes” that allow you to control it as little or as much as you want.  WARNING:  being in complete control of your camera requires an enormous amount of learning and trial and error.  Learning these things does not happen overnight.  I am still learning the intricacies of control.  I am certain I will never stop learning.

     

    Deep Thinking. This is a direct result of me knowing my camera and catching the moment.

     

     

     

    10.  GET A DECENT EDITING SOFTWARE, AND USE IT SPARINGLY!

    One MAJOR mistake most photographers make (and I have been guilty) is overdoing it on the editing.  So, as I go through this tip, keep in mind that editing is as much of an art as taking a photo is.

    SO…pick out a good editing software.  I use Adobe Lightroom and Adobe Photoshop 6.  Lightroom is about $200.  It is somewhat easy to learn the basics, and you can find some nice presets for the software.  A preset are predesigned effects for images.  You can find hundreds of different colors and black and white presets for lightroom.

    Photoshop Elements is a great starter editing software.  It is relatively inexpensive (I think it is about $99 or so).  And, as far as actions go (which are sort of like presets for Lightroom), you can download TONS of free ones online.  The Coffee Shop Blog  has some very tasteful editing actions free.  She is also a great instructor.

    However, I will warn you, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS ENHANCE THE LIGHT AND COLOR!  You don’t have to get all fancy dancy with this.  **Warning:  DO NOT over saturate your colors.  I see photographers out there who charge people good hard earned money, and the pictures are so over saturated that the subject looks like an Oopa-Loompa standing in a Willie Wonka field that was rained on with crack:  all orange and gross, and the background is, well…neon.  Please, use your editing software carefully.  If it looks way different from the original, then question it.

    This is an example I have for limited editing. All I did to this photo was to enhance the lighting and added a VERY SLIGHT bump to the colors. I can’t help my son’s eyes. They are just that blue! I know all my photog buddies think I do all this enhancement to them, but I do nothing to them. He just has some pretty peepers 🙂

     

     

    I hope this has been helpful to you.  Please understand that most of the skill you learn will be through trial and error.  You just have to do it.  A LOT!  Try new things.  Set yourself a goal of shooting something 2-3 times a week.  Most likely, this isn’t something you will want to do as a career.  However, you should be able to take beautiful photos of your child, and not have to wait until that photo shoot with a professional to see how much they have changed.  Do not go canceling all your sessions with your family photographer, but do try to make good pictures of your kids during the “in-between” time.

    I hope you enjoy this little Christmas gift of learning how to take snappy snapshots!  May your holidays be grand, and your photos be beautiful!

    Autumn

     

  • Fortune Cookie Kid

    If you were to have told me how difficult being a parent was before I had a baby, the thought in my head would have been, “How difficult can being a stay-at-home mom be?  Really?  Stop your griping and complaining!”.  Yeah.

     

    Not only is it difficult to be a stay at home mommy, but being a mommy of a child who is sick most days, and on the other days we have therapy appointments and doctors appointments and constant issues with his anger management and tantrums is far greater of a task than I could have ever imagined.  Our days start and end with therapy.  I am always trying to find different ways of incorporating the things he needs work on into regular play.  Then there are the tantrums.  Yes…every 2 year old has tantrums, but my kid has breakdowns like you would not believe.  Not just a few times a day, even.  ALL day.  I know it is because he is trying so hard to communicate.  We do a few signs, and we are learning more everyday.  However, he is still learning when he needs to use them.  It is an ongoing task.  And, forget using the vacuum or going out to eat.  Not happening if you want an enjoyable meal.  As for vacuuming, I have to do that when he is with Steve somewhere else.

     

    So, in light of these things, this little story added a very bright light to a very dismal day.

     

    Each Wednesday night, a few of the people from church come over for a Bible study.  Once a month, we do a dinner.  A couple of weeks ago, we did an “Asian Cuisine” night.  It was divine.  For dessert, we all reached into a box, grabbed a fortune cookie, and read our fortunes out loud.  Actually, that in and of itself is funny:  a Bible study reading fortune cookies.  ANYWAY…I digress…  Everyone read their cookie, we all laughed, and they started in on the study while Asher and I played in his room.  After they all left, I picked up from the study, and found a couple of fortunes lying on the floor.  I threw them all away.

     

    In order for you to really understand this story, I need to tell you how often I clean the floor in my house.  I sweep at least 3 times a day.  Sometimes more.  I straighten the house every night.  I have to be very careful with Asher because he is still eating everything.

     

    The other night, I was sitting next to him watching him with the train set.  I looked away for a second, and there he stood with a little fortune cookie fortune.  “Where in the world did you find this, Asher?”  His response was, “Joy, joy, da da, ya ya, ba ba”.

     

    “Ok, ” I said, “lets read this”.  It said, “Look for the dream that keeps coming back.  It is your destiny”  “Huh, ”  I thought.  “I don’t remember anyone having this fortune!”

     

    I sat there for a second and looked at my sweet little boy.  He was my dream.  He definitely keeps coming back (he he he).  And, I do believe deep down in my heart that I was destined to be his mother.  Even with all his little quirks, tantrums, health problems, and issues, he lights up my life brighter than any sun or star.  God knew he was in good hands with Steve and me.  I trust that.  Even though there are days I am not sure I can go on…I trust God.  Asher is the perfect little boy:  imperfections and all.  Of all the children there ever was or ever will be, I would pick him every time.  So, he is my dream and my destiny.  I guess God can even use fortune cookies to lift your spirit.  I love my little boy, and I am so happy God used him to remind me that what I do makes a difference.

     

  • Bigger’s not always Better….

    Steve and I joined a church this morning.  This church has no great programs for anyone between the ages of 0-100.  It has no programs for singles, divorced, married, or widowed people.  It has no elaborate sound systems, no big loud bands, no people dressed in $300 jeans with spiked hair and shiney black squared off toe shoes, no video screens, no praise music, and to boot, the pastor is present to shake your hand after church.  This church, by today’s standards, is everything “not cool” about church.  The one thing it has that shines brighter than all the technology, programs, multitudes, and slick words is Jesus.  The service is enriched in the true worship of God.  It isn’t saturated with the basic “ME ME ME is why You are YOU, and why you do what you do” nonsense.

    I have to say, Steve and I were sold on the church the very first time we sat through a service.  Several times, we were brought to tears with the humbling nature of the worship.  I cannot remember a time I have personally been touched so deeply by this little, tiny church in an itty bitty town in Alabama.  The first service, we were warmly welcomed with smiles, hand-shakes, and  joy in the faces of those who were truly happy we were there.  That particular Sunday, there were a total of about 15 people there, and, besides me, Steve, Asher, and the pastor, no one was under the age of 60.  Most were quite older.

    We left the church certain this was where God wanted us to be.  However, we had a deep concern over the fact there was no one there with kids Asher’s age.  Steve emailed the pastor and told him our concern, and his response was incredible.  Basically, he said that everyone in the church deserved the very best everyone had to offer:  this included Asher. The answer he gave was awesome, but we decided to “try out” other churches.  We made it to 2 other churches before we said, “Forget this!  We are going back to OUR church!”.

    So, why did we decide to go to a small church?  Well, first of all, we knew this where God wanted us to go.  Secondly, we knew that there we could gather with others to truly worship God.  Thirdly, this church family would know we existed and desire the best for our spiritual life.

    As far as Asher is concerned, what good are all those fancy programs if Daddy and Mommy are getting fed junk food on Sunday morning?  If the parents are eating good, healthy food, the kids cannot help but see that and do the same.  Asher’s spiritual life is being built in watching his parents and his church family come before the LIVING GOD in true worship and in true humility.

    Oh, there is one more reason why we joined the church.  The pastor was quick to point this out.  Velma’s sausage balls are kickin’ it good…

     

  • Just Find it and Fix it

    Just Find it and Fix it

    After a long fun weekend, we packed up and headed to Birmingham for not so much fun.  Asher was scheduled to meet with the neurosurgeon at Children’s for the first time.  He was tired of being in the car, and I was nervous.  I had some idea of what we would hear, but I was surprised, too.

    Children’s is an awesome facility.  The lay out is set for kids to feel comfortable in their surroundings.  They even had clowns on hand for face painting.  While I filled out paperwork, Steve and Asher walked around to check it all out.  Ash even got balloons painted on his leg!  If it wasn’t for all the yucky doctors, it would be a fantastic place to visit.

    The neurosurgeon was a very nice man.  He took a look at the MRI, studied Asher’s head, and told us the news.  He saw nothing that concerned him with his MRI.  Yes, the cyst was a category 1 or 2 (which is small), and yes the water around the brain was there, but the amount was not enough for any concern.  Great news!  However, when I asked if these things would be causing him developmental issues, he said no.  It may be a genetic disorder.  “WHAT?”  Asher has a ridge on his forehead where his skull didn’t grow together correctly.  This plus the developmental issues point to genetic problems. He called a colleague to tell him what to order for the blood tests.  He also ordered an X-ray to study Asher’s skull to make sure there were no other problems.

    We waited for the genetic doctor to fax over a list of possible disorders.  When the fax finally arrived, there was one disorder.  One disorder with a 5 page synopsis of the disorder.  It is called GA-1.  It is a metabolic genetic disorder which prohibits the body from turning Gluteric Acid into energy.  Most of the symptoms Asher has could be explained by this.  However, we will not know the outcome of the blood tests for another month.  If the test comes back positive for this disorder, we will have to implement a lifestyle change that will follow him throughout his life.  It could be very dangerous.

    Basically, we don’t know anything.  I just want them to find out what is going on with my  precious fella and FIX IT!!!!   I’ve spent a majority of my life putting doctors on a pedestal, but now I understand why they call medical doctors “Practitioners”.  They are just really smart people who are trying to figure it out.   I’m not blaming the doctors.  They are doing the best they know how.  I’m just impatient.  I want to know what I can do to help my boy.  Right now, Steve and I are fumbling through all of the medical mumbo-jumbo in hopes to help find the needle in the haystack.  It has been a horrible journey.  This road continues before us.

    Some would be so bold to say, “Just trust the Lord”.  To this I respond, “Well…of course I do!”.  However, I am human.  In this state of being, I am a sinner.  Therefore,  I generally fail more than fly.  Trust in the Lord only comes from the Lord.  In and of myself, I tend to be more like Job than Jesus.  Just being honest here…please don’t crucify me.

    I want to thank everyone for their prayers.  Many of you have asked what is going on, and I am certainly willing to discuss it.  To be honest, though, it is easier to write it down.  Every time I talk about it, my frustration goes out the roof.  I love you all.  I just want my boy to be well.  My heart is trying very hard to  not shatter on a daily basis.