Autumn Calvert

Category: Mindfulness

  • Flip Off Fear In 5 Steps

    Flip Off Fear In 5 Steps

    Win the battle against fear.

     

     

    I stepped up onto the platform. It was higher than I first thought. Too high. I don’t like heights. Though the padding below promised a soft landing, it did little in the way of helping me feel confident.

    “You are the Simone Biles of klutz. This is not a good idea.”

    The voice in my head spoke these words loudly as my palms got sweaty, and my knees shook.

    A kid, about 4 or 5 years old, skipped me in line…again. I let him. I was still trying to decide whether to take the stairs back down to safety or jettison myself off of this platform and slide through the air.

    “Surly, the folks who built this indoor trampoline playground tested this. Look! The four year old is killin’ this! Wait…we did have to sign a waiver. Why did we have to sign the waiver? Is this thing safe?”

    As the words floated into my conscience, another voice spoke up and made me move over to the zip line.

    “It’s time to give your fear the middle finger, girl. Do this.”

    Fear is a constant source of trouble. As someone with an anxiety disorder, my fight is daily and constant. Making decisions, even simple ones, is complicated and gut clinching. Even when I don’t have to make a quick decision, the thought of having to make a decision in the future can send me spiraling. My mind stays in hyperdrive most of the day. There are times I will even wake in the middle of the night in a panic.

    Fear.

    After I was diagnosed with the disorder, I began to seek out the best ways to handle it. I spent hours online reading articles and testimonies on the effects of anxiety. Often, I would find myself whispering, “Amen,” to the computer screen.

    Over the last 6 years, I have tried many tactics and self-help tricks, but few proved worthy.  This list is what has worked for me.

    It is a mantra I speak to myself daily, and I put it into action.

    FLIP OFF FEAR IN 5 STEPS

    1.  NAME THE DEVIL

    Fear is cunning. It likes to dress itself up in costumes of other emotions. There are times I think I am feeling angry, but once I start to strip away the burning desire to scream, fear is hiding in the corner snickering.  It is the same with sadness, jealousy,  and so on.

    I look at this sniveling little nuisance and begin to work through the rest of the list.

    What happens if I don’t work through this list? What if I stop at naming the devil?

    Fear begets more fear and births doubt.

    “I’m afraid of this fear. I cannot do this! I cannot conquer it! It is stronger than I am…”

    Before I can count to 5, the little freak as doubled in size, multiplied, and gone into hiding again. It has cloaked itself in my self-doubt and slithers away into the shadows. It knows if it stays in the shadows, it can restart it’s destruction. It finds a suitable costume, and the process begins again.

    Unless a decision is made to fight this battle now, it only makes the battle worse later.

    The first weapon in the arsenal is naming it.

    Name the devil. Then, take the next step.

    2. BREATHE

    Fear hates oxygen. What it wants to do is send the mind in a tailspin. It wants us to sweat, get nauseous, wide-eyed, and paralyzed.

    It wants us to hold our breath.

    But, when we start to fill up it’s living quarters with oxygen, it starts squirming like a fish on the sea shore.

    Why?

    Oxygen feeds our brain. It helps us to think deliberately and strategically. It calms everything down when fear has stirred it all up.

    Once fear has begun to fear it’s own demise, it will roar. It will go into it’s own version of a panic attack. It does not want to loose it’s playground and is cozy at home in the recesses of your brain.

    What does that look like? 

    More fear and more doubt.

    It is to be expected. This is the reaction of all things about to die. Letting fear’s fear take over only allows it to get a foot hold to fight back. Keep going.

    Name it, breathe deeply, and take the next step.

    3. SPEAK TRUTH

    Now, the devil is backed into a corner, it begins spewing words of doubt.

    “Look at you, little wimp, thinking you can defeat me!,” it cries in a monstrous cackle.

    Arguing with fear does no good.

    Fear is a bully.

    No matter what is said to it, it will have a response. Generally, it will be laughing at you.

    So, how to get through this part of the battle?

    Speak truth to yourself…not to your fear.

    “I am bigger than fear. I am stronger than fear. I am capable of winning. I will win. I will be the victor. I am the victor.”

    Fear will hear these words. As it gags on the oxygen in the brain, it will brag about it’s own strength, wit, and stealth. It will reach it’s dying arms out into the soul and charge it with electrical impulses of fight or flight.

    Don’t stop.

    Name it, Breathe, and Speak truth. Then, move to the next step.

    4. MOVE

    The intensity of the battle has reached a climax. Fear is pulling out all of the stops. Every play in the playbook and every trick in the bag is revealed. It knows death is close. It will not go down without a fight.

    Now is the time to move.

    Move towards the object of your fear. It could be as simple as a decision to walk out the door or as big as stepping out of an airplane for the first time sky diving. Either way, the battle is the same.

    Propelling the body towards the feared object or situation requires activation of all the other steps. The little freak will begin to grow larger the closer the object or the situation gets. It does what fear does…attacks.

    Name the devil, breathe, speak truth, move…repeat

    The devil is defeated when the food supply is gone. It no longer has footing. It no longer has it’s feast. It no longer has doubt as a weapon. Now, the situation has been dealt with, the decision has been made, the snake has been handled, the step out of the airplane has been taken, and fear has been proven wrong.

    Fear has been conquered. The battle is won.

    Now, take the next step.

    5. TRAIN

    Prepare for the next battle.

    Fear has thousands of identical twins lurking in the corners of the mind. With anxiety disorders, the chemistry in the brain is jacked up. It is a water source for fear.

    Slowly, over time, I believe the chemistry can be changed. But, it takes training.

    How does one train to conquer fear?

    Meditation, exercise and diet.

    Like with all training, it takes time. Time to set routines. Time to learn how to do it. Time to conquer fear enough to even start.

    Pick one of the above and start slowly. I have found if I do too much too soon, I give up. Starting slowly with training will set those routines in place. Each time you do a session, confidence grows.

    If you pick mediation, do a 5-minute mediation every morning or evening and gradually move up in time. If you pick exercise, do 5-minutes a day and move up. If you pick diet, eat one healthy food a day and move up.

    Sometimes, a season of training is put on pause due to depression or other issues, it is ok. Let me repeat this again:

    IT IS OK!!!!

    The trick is to not allow this time of depression or forgetfulness conquer the training. If it has been a long time since training, IT IS OK! Start over with 5-minutes.We all have other battles we face in a day.

    NO JUDGEMENT! 

    Half of the battle with training is learning how to take care of the mind. Taking care of the mind means to be accepting of where one finds themselves.

    Fear does not want us to be kind or gentle to ourselves.

    It wants a person to feel disappointed in themselves and defeated by themselves. Once a person feels defeated, the voice of fear is amplified over all the other voices of truth.

    Being kind to oneself oftentimes requires these same steps listed above:

    Name the devil (Self-defeating talk)

    Breathe (Oxygen stimulates confidence)

    Speak Truth (You truly are worthy and capable.)

    Move (Do 5-minutes of training.)

    Train (Keep Training)

     

    SIMONE WOULD BE PROUD

    I reached out an grabbed the zip-line bars. I looked down at the guy operating the zip-line. He was smiling at me. Something in his smile gave the extra boost of confidence to step off the platform.

    I flew through the air. The rushing wind flowed over my face, and I giggled. It was fun! Not only was it fun, it was a win for the “me” team! The carcass of fear dissolved.

    I let go of the bars and landed in the soft foam below. Immediately, I gave the zip-line worker 2-thumbs up.

    I had won against my own fear. The taste of victory was divine.

    With a new-found confidence, I made my way over to the monkey swing. It, too, was on a high platform. Again, I let the little kid skip me in line…several times. I was working on tackling fear.

    Courage takes work.

    “This is only fear. Breathe, Autumn. Yeah…that’s good. Breathe more. Ok…keep doing that. You can do this. You are stronger than this fear. You are not the Simone Biles of klutz. You are powerful.”

    I moved over to the take off area and placed my hands on the swing handle bar. I looked over at the swing worker, and he was smiling.

    “I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”

    I stepped off the platform and into who I truly am.

    I am a conqueror. 

     

  • Death and the Empty Chair

    Death and the Empty Chair

    Juneko.

    She was an acquaintance of mine. We were once friends, but time and distance separated us from building our close friendship. Even so, knowing she was on this earth, walking around and smiling, gave me great peace. 

    When she died, the emptiness I felt was curious to me. She was not a part of my everyday life. We barely spoke, except through facebook. But, there I was, crying my eyes out.

    It was then I knew I had to make sense of these feelings. I needed a story to tell. I needed a visual to explain it.

    If you have endured the loss of someone dear to you or someone you barely knew, I hope this story will aid your ability to cope with death and the sorrow of an empty chair.

    THE BANQUET TABLE

    Imagine your life as a banquet table. All of the people you know or have ever known have a place setting.

    You are the host.

    Your banquet hall may look like a royal room with golden chandeliers, exquisite plates and silver. It may look like a long picnic table in the woods. It is your room to create.

    At your table, there is a chair for each of those people you have known. Sitting the closest to you are your most valued of loves: your spouse, child, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. Those sitting further down the table are acquaintances. The one girl you worked with in your 20’s. The guy you knew from church. The lady who always had the peppermint candy…and shared. There are those whom have hurt you sitting at this table, too. The guy or girl who cheated on you, the person who stole your money, the person who was mean to you…everyone you have ever known sits at this table.

    The table is longer than you first thought.

    Some of those sitting at the other end cannot even be seen anymore. They are part of your banquet, and, if you pull out your telescope, you can see them there. You may feel the emotions tied to the memory of this person: good or bad. It doesn’t matter. They sit at your table.

    Each place setting has a tiny card with the name of the person who is to sit in the chair. It will always be there. Though, they may be moved down the table, their chair, and their setting, follow them.

    At my table is a place setting for my Granny and Pawpaw. They no longer sit at my table, but their place setting and name remains. When I gaze upon their empty chair, I remember the joy and the sorrow. These people sat so close to me for so long. I remember their laughter, their shortcomings, their love.

    They have moved on to a bigger and better banquet table. But, somehow, they are still with me. Their absence leaves an empty chair in my life, but the fact they once sat at my table brings me great joy.

    Their empty chair is not empty. It is full of memories.

    No matter how one feels about the afterlife, what we all know for certain is how death affects us in this life. It leaves space…a void.

    Death is unavoidable. We will all have empty chairs at our tables, and, at some point, we will be the empty chair at someone else’s table.

    The experience of loosing Juneko helped me see. I did not know her well, but I was thankful she sat at my table. I was thankful for her life.

    I was also thankful I had a table to share.

    Now, when I look at those chairs filled with those I love most, I embrace the moment. I make more memories. I appreciate the gift of being able to share the meal of life with beautiful people.

    Until their chair is empty, I will smile and be glad they they accepted the invitation to my life. And, when their chair is empty, I will have memories to fill their seats. The image of their presence will not fade as long as I have a banquet to host.

  • What’s His Name?

    What’s His Name?

    It was a gorgeous day.

    Wind was blowing the tall pines shading the playground. I could hear the laughter and smell the aroma of food from the family reunion being held at a gazebo nearby. I hoped for an invitation to eat their fried chicken, potato salad, and casseroles of all kinds.

    Maybe around 11 years old, a little boy sat on a swing in the mainly deserted playground. With his smart device in hand, he used his feet to swing just a bit as he played his game. He seemed to enjoy the alone space away from the festive reunion, but, there was also a loneliness in his eyes.

    My son, Asher, and I played on the little kids playground before making our way over to the big kid playground. On the way over, I noticed Asher looking back towards the swings. He was curious about the little boy with the smart phone.

    Realizing the obstacles on this playground were steep and above his skill level, Asher decided to walk over to the swing next to the boy.

    “What’s his name?” Asher asked me.

    I responded, “I don’t know his name. Ask him!”

    “Jake,” said the little boy.

    Asher signed and asked me if the little boy was playing “birds” (any smart device). I told him he was. Asher watched him play on the phone a while, and then decided to swing. There were few engagements between the 2 boys. Both seemed perfectly happy to simply be present.

    When it was time to go, and Asher turned around and smiled at the little boy. The little boy smiled back.  I smiled and told the little boy to have a good day, and Asher and I headed to my Dad’s truck.

    “What’s his name?” is a common question in my world. Asher is deeply curious about who people are. The conversations are scripted as follows:

    Asher: “What’s his name?”

    Me: “I don’t know his/her name.” (He understands gender differences, but “her” is not easy for him to say.)

    What happens next is dependent on the time we have to continue. If time permits, I will tell him, “I don’t know. Ask!”

    Turning to the new person of interest…

    Asher: “What’s his name?” (“Your” is also a hard word for him to say.)

    He does not care what color someone is, what they are wearing, if they smell or not…nothing. All are vulnerable to the “What’s his name?” game.

    The responses from people are interesting. Some don’t understand what was said, some smile, and others engage the conversation.

    I’ve yet to figure out the formula to the ones who engage this conversation, but goodness is a common thread. It is hard to ignore this cute little boy with big blue eyes and crazy hair.

    I used to think miracles were rare, but, now, I see them everyday. From a middle-aged man smoking a cigarette in front of the gas station to the war torn lady behind the counter at the restaurant, the power of kindness and curiosity breaks through and wins.

    In one question, “What’s his name?”, hearts open and take a deep breath…if only for a moment.  Asher meets people in sad situations and leaves them with a smile. He also reminds them that they have a name and someone cares enough to want to know it.

    Sometimes, all folks really need is a good moment. Sometimes, people just want to know they are not invisible. 

    The little boy in the swing smiled as we walked away. He somehow looked happier. Refreshed. I knew why.

    He played the “What’s his name?” game, and he did not feel alone anymore.

    …………………………………………………………………………………………………..

     

     

  • Fields Of Lavender

    Fields Of Lavender

    The ground was weary soil. As far as my eyes could see, in every direction, the land belonged to me. It was ugly and in ruins. The cracks in the ground were deep and dehydrated from years of neglect.

    I fell to my knees and wept for these lands. I covered my eyes, and the tears streamed down my hands, arms, legs and onto the ground. I was unaware the tears falling filled in the cracks as I knelt in despair.

    A twinge of hope pricked my heart. It had been so long since hope had been found inside me, I did not know what it was. The shock of this feeling caused me to remove my hands from my eyes. The landscape had changed. It was saturated by my tears. It had taken on the appearance of life.

    Still weary and broken, I reached down and gathered the soil in my hands. It was soft. The wind no longer had control of the motion of the soil. It was heavy with nutrients given by tears of a broken heart.

    My feet and legs grew stronger and lifted me off the ground. All around me, the these lands were ready for planting.

    What would I plant? Would I plant peace? Would peace bring to me the essence of life? Or, maybe I should plant hope? Hope would bring the sense of awe my heart loved to feel. Possibly love would be a good crop? Love did bring hope and peace.

    Carefully thinking through the many options of seedlings in my possession, I picked the one seed I knew would bring all of the beauty back to this land. It would grow peace, hope and love.

    I wrapped the apron around my waist and filled the pockets with seeds.

    With every step, I leaned down, and in the soil, I made a cradle for the precious seeds. As I dropped the seed into the warm and protected space, I named it: my husband, my son, my mother, my father, my step-father, my sisters, my brother, my nephews, my nieces, my friends, my ability to love, my strength…

    The seeds were plentiful, and the name on each was unique. I gave it a fingerprint of thanks.

    This work never ended. I planted daily from morning until night. The work was not grueling, but it did take reminders to myself of how important this harvest would be.

    One day, while I was planting these seeds and naming each one as they settled into their space to grow, I stood. My eyes found the horizon behind me.

    As far as I could see, across the landscape of my land, were fields upon fields of lavender. I was in awe.

    My eyes were the mirror to the greens and the purples as the sun backlit the entire vision. I took off my apron, and walked carefully through the rows of lavender, crushing some of the leaves between my fingers and inhaling the beautiful fragrance of gratitude.

    This was the variety of seed I had decided upon: gratitude. Through gratitude, peace grew, hope bloomed, and love breathed.

    I spun as a child in this field I had planted. My laughter found it’s way through the clouds and into the sky. It reverberated deeply out past the horizon of my limited sight. It fed these plants, as if by some sort of miracle, with joy. I watched them grow before my eyes.

    I looked back to where I had stopped planting. The soil was ready to harbor the seeds. My work was not yet finished. I had an entire life to fill. I walked back over to my apron, lifted it around my waist, and began the good work of planting one seed, naming it, and moving to the next.

    One day, I reached the end of my lands. The planting of seeds was no longer necessary. A new adventure into a new land, already planted, awaited. However, there was an infinite amount of seeds available. I realized a lifetime is not enough time to count every blessing.

    I took off my apron, threw the seeds up into the air, and the wind carried them past the clouds and out of site. They were off to find a new home in another heart. My harvest was plentiful, and my life was full. The life I left behind was fields of lavender, fragrant and dancing in the wind. It was watered with the sorrows of my neglect, and planted by the strength of my hope. Gratefulness filled every inch. I smiled knowing this harvest gave to all who knew me and provided me with what I desired most: a beautiful, wondrous, joyful life.

  • 5 Life-Changing Questions

    5 Life-Changing Questions

    My husband has been through an epiphany.

    Before last year, my husband was continuously self-sabotaging.  He was grumpy and depressed. He lacked intimacy, peace and gratefulness. His overall distaste and lack of confidence seeped into every corner of his life. He was a mess.

    He had to change his mind.

    The type of change of mind I am referring to has nothing to do with deciding on a different restaurant at the last minute or taking off one shirt to wear another. This change of mind favors that of repentance. A complete change in the state of thinking and reaction.

    In November of 2016, Steve realized his fight with depression and “stinking thinking” was sucking the life’s blood out of his day, out of himself, and out of his relationships. He decided he needed help. After consulting a psychiatrist, Steve started taking Prozac.

    Immediately, I noticed a difference. All of those “old Steve” ways of thinking were beginning to vanish. Also, during this time, he came up with a series of 5 questions he began asking himself every morning. The positive shift was powerful.

    This blog is a collection of interviews I have had with my husband about his 5 questions and how they have had an impact on his life. They have led him to mindfulness and gratitude.

    Here are his 5 questions:

    Do I have food?

    Do I have shelter?

    Do I have love?

    Do I have a sense of purpose?

    Do I like myself?

    DO I HAVE FOOD? DO I HAVE SHELTER?

    These two are fairly simple. Do you have food? If the answer is “yes,” you are ahead of most people in the world. Most of us have way more than we need.  Do you have shelter? If the answer is “yes,” then you, again, are ahead of the game. Not only do we have shelter, but we have a comfortable climate controlled home, a nice warm bed, a T.V. for entertainment, dishes to put our food on, clean water, hot showers, the beverage of our choice, the meal of our choice…you get the idea. EACH ONE OF THESE THINGS IS A BLESSING. We oftentimes take this for granted. However, one look at a refugee camp or a starving and thirsty child should be enough to remind us all we live in luxury.

    Steve says, “Recognizing our blessings and being content with those blessings is the first step towards true happiness.”

    DO I HAVE LOVE?

    This is a huge question. It encompasses peace with self and others.  Steve argues, “It means I must do everything in my power to be trusting and trustworthy.”  This includes forgiveness of self and others and shedding the judgement of self and others. The way of love and peace is to not worry about the past and to not fear the future. This is a way to live completely in the moment.

    This also opens up the pathway to intimacy. Intimacy should be limited to those we trust.  Steve stated, “As we grow the circle of family and friends we trust, our love grows. We become more complete individuals.” 

    Peace and love start with the individual, not the other way around. It grows outward from inward. Love is bigger than oneself, yet it begins within oneself. 

    DO I HAVE PURPOSE?

    Steve suggested, “This question can be periodically changed up depending on what I am going through at the moment. The basic gist of the question is ‘Do I have purpose? Am I better today than I was yesterday? Am I providing a better existence for my wife and son? Are my pursuits healthy for me and for society?’”.

    There are 4 basic ways to make decisions that enable us to pursue our goals and find meaning in life:

    Is this…

    Good for me and good for others?

    Good for me and bad for others?

    Bad for me and good for others?

    Bad for me and bad for others?

    No two people are on the same path. Our own perspective is the only one we know. It is like a fingerprint: you, and only you, own it.  However, focusing on doing what is good for one’s self and good for others leads us to not kill, not steal, and not harm anyone.

    “I am still growing in this area, as with the other areas, but I find when I ask myself this simple question throughout the day, my purpose and my pathway becomes crystal clear.”  Steve also said he has found this approach to be most beneficial in the moment. He says he makes better decisions each time he asks himself this question.

    DO I LIKE MYSELF?

    This question presents itself as a challenge for most, but the general idea is this: Am I happy?  Contrary to most thinking, happiness is not an emotion. It is a state of being.  Happiness transcends situations and emotions. Steve said, “I am on the path to living in the here and now.”  True happiness is found in the here and now. It is not found in the past nor in the future. It is happening before our very eyes. All we have to do is plug into now.  Being mindful and present leaves one in a state of “blessedness.” When we feel blessed, we like ourselves. We love our life. Liking one’s self and being happy are the same idea.

    These 5 questions have made a remarkable difference in the lives of every single person Steve is around. I have seen a man, beaten and destroyed by himself and others, pick himself up off the ground, brush off his clothes, and march ahead with joy and focus. Our marriage is stronger, more intimate, and more trusting than before. His relationship with our son has grown into a blooming grove of peace, love, laughter, and listening. His relationships with his co-workers and friends is one of joy and admiration.

    Everyone hits a snag in the road. There is no way around it. Keeping in mind these 5 questions and what they represent helps us not only live a more joy-filled existence, but it also helps us regain our balance and find our feet after the bump in the road sends us flying.