Autumn Calvert

Category: Spirituality

  • Death and the Empty Chair

    Death and the Empty Chair

    Juneko.

    She was an acquaintance of mine. We were once friends, but time and distance separated us from building our close friendship. Even so, knowing she was on this earth, walking around and smiling, gave me great peace. 

    When she died, the emptiness I felt was curious to me. She was not a part of my everyday life. We barely spoke, except through facebook. But, there I was, crying my eyes out.

    It was then I knew I had to make sense of these feelings. I needed a story to tell. I needed a visual to explain it.

    If you have endured the loss of someone dear to you or someone you barely knew, I hope this story will aid your ability to cope with death and the sorrow of an empty chair.

    THE BANQUET TABLE

    Imagine your life as a banquet table. All of the people you know or have ever known have a place setting.

    You are the host.

    Your banquet hall may look like a royal room with golden chandeliers, exquisite plates and silver. It may look like a long picnic table in the woods. It is your room to create.

    At your table, there is a chair for each of those people you have known. Sitting the closest to you are your most valued of loves: your spouse, child, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. Those sitting further down the table are acquaintances. The one girl you worked with in your 20’s. The guy you knew from church. The lady who always had the peppermint candy…and shared. There are those whom have hurt you sitting at this table, too. The guy or girl who cheated on you, the person who stole your money, the person who was mean to you…everyone you have ever known sits at this table.

    The table is longer than you first thought.

    Some of those sitting at the other end cannot even be seen anymore. They are part of your banquet, and, if you pull out your telescope, you can see them there. You may feel the emotions tied to the memory of this person: good or bad. It doesn’t matter. They sit at your table.

    Each place setting has a tiny card with the name of the person who is to sit in the chair. It will always be there. Though, they may be moved down the table, their chair, and their setting, follow them.

    At my table is a place setting for my Granny and Pawpaw. They no longer sit at my table, but their place setting and name remains. When I gaze upon their empty chair, I remember the joy and the sorrow. These people sat so close to me for so long. I remember their laughter, their shortcomings, their love.

    They have moved on to a bigger and better banquet table. But, somehow, they are still with me. Their absence leaves an empty chair in my life, but the fact they once sat at my table brings me great joy.

    Their empty chair is not empty. It is full of memories.

    No matter how one feels about the afterlife, what we all know for certain is how death affects us in this life. It leaves space…a void.

    Death is unavoidable. We will all have empty chairs at our tables, and, at some point, we will be the empty chair at someone else’s table.

    The experience of loosing Juneko helped me see. I did not know her well, but I was thankful she sat at my table. I was thankful for her life.

    I was also thankful I had a table to share.

    Now, when I look at those chairs filled with those I love most, I embrace the moment. I make more memories. I appreciate the gift of being able to share the meal of life with beautiful people.

    Until their chair is empty, I will smile and be glad they they accepted the invitation to my life. And, when their chair is empty, I will have memories to fill their seats. The image of their presence will not fade as long as I have a banquet to host.

  • The Green Swag Lamp

    The Green Swag Lamp

    Garage sales are a big deal. When I was a kid, my mom had me up and at ‘um at 6 a.m. on Saturday mornings. I grabbed my pillow and blanket for backseat napping while she shopped. As I got older, my love of garage sales grew.

    In my early 30’s and single, I used garage sales to find home decor. It was at one garage sale I found a fantastic deal. A green, mid-century swag lamp sitting in a box. How much? 5 bucks.

    I loved that lamp. It cast a beautiful green design light onto the walls. It made me feel good.

    In my late thirties, I had a store with homemade items and garage sale finds. I hung the lamp over the checkout counter. When I decided to sale off the inventory and shut down, I invited a local vintage shop owner in for a first look.

    I made a decision I have regretted since: I sold them the lamp.

    This morning, I woke up with the lamp on my mind. It was my first thought. The regret tumbled around in my gut.

    What is regret? It is the “I wish I had” and the “I wish I hadn’t” thoughts we can’t seem to shake. I have a whole lot of these. We all have a whole lot of these.

    Recently, I have been in a season of ridding myself of the regrets. Why did I….? Why didn’t I…” What on earth was I thinking? How was I so stupid?

    Dealing with regret is a painful process. Why? Because in order to deal with it, you have to fully remember it and the feelings associated. Regrets must be tended to like an injury: put on the medication, limp for a while, and take care of yourself until it heals.

    I have known people who live so completely in regret, they talk about it constantly. It is a stench of death swirling around their lives. These people made me ask myself a question. This question led me to the point I am at today.

    Do I want to live then or now?

    Answering this question is more difficult than I thought.

    Human beings love to want to be happy, but they love wallowing around in the mud, too. Something triggers all of the adrenaline and endorphins in our mind when we regret. In some ways, it is more comfortable to hang on to our junk than to just let it go. Regret or peace? Peace isn’t nearly as much fun, but it is a whole lot happier.

    After searching for my lamp online, I quickly realized I will not be able to afford one for quite some time. I have to let it go. I don’t want to let it go. I want that moment back so I can make a better decision! This, of course, is a pipe dream. There is no time machine. The past cannot be changed. There is no way back. There is only a way forward.

    As I tackle this regret today, I find myself in a unique position of living now and then. Now, I just need to get rid of the “then” so I can live for now. One day, I’ll find my green swag lamp again. Until then, I’ll just let my soul light the way.

  • Fields Of Lavender

    Fields Of Lavender

    The ground was weary soil. As far as my eyes could see, in every direction, the land belonged to me. It was ugly and in ruins. The cracks in the ground were deep and dehydrated from years of neglect.

    I fell to my knees and wept for these lands. I covered my eyes, and the tears streamed down my hands, arms, legs and onto the ground. I was unaware the tears falling filled in the cracks as I knelt in despair.

    A twinge of hope pricked my heart. It had been so long since hope had been found inside me, I did not know what it was. The shock of this feeling caused me to remove my hands from my eyes. The landscape had changed. It was saturated by my tears. It had taken on the appearance of life.

    Still weary and broken, I reached down and gathered the soil in my hands. It was soft. The wind no longer had control of the motion of the soil. It was heavy with nutrients given by tears of a broken heart.

    My feet and legs grew stronger and lifted me off the ground. All around me, the these lands were ready for planting.

    What would I plant? Would I plant peace? Would peace bring to me the essence of life? Or, maybe I should plant hope? Hope would bring the sense of awe my heart loved to feel. Possibly love would be a good crop? Love did bring hope and peace.

    Carefully thinking through the many options of seedlings in my possession, I picked the one seed I knew would bring all of the beauty back to this land. It would grow peace, hope and love.

    I wrapped the apron around my waist and filled the pockets with seeds.

    With every step, I leaned down, and in the soil, I made a cradle for the precious seeds. As I dropped the seed into the warm and protected space, I named it: my husband, my son, my mother, my father, my step-father, my sisters, my brother, my nephews, my nieces, my friends, my ability to love, my strength…

    The seeds were plentiful, and the name on each was unique. I gave it a fingerprint of thanks.

    This work never ended. I planted daily from morning until night. The work was not grueling, but it did take reminders to myself of how important this harvest would be.

    One day, while I was planting these seeds and naming each one as they settled into their space to grow, I stood. My eyes found the horizon behind me.

    As far as I could see, across the landscape of my land, were fields upon fields of lavender. I was in awe.

    My eyes were the mirror to the greens and the purples as the sun backlit the entire vision. I took off my apron, and walked carefully through the rows of lavender, crushing some of the leaves between my fingers and inhaling the beautiful fragrance of gratitude.

    This was the variety of seed I had decided upon: gratitude. Through gratitude, peace grew, hope bloomed, and love breathed.

    I spun as a child in this field I had planted. My laughter found it’s way through the clouds and into the sky. It reverberated deeply out past the horizon of my limited sight. It fed these plants, as if by some sort of miracle, with joy. I watched them grow before my eyes.

    I looked back to where I had stopped planting. The soil was ready to harbor the seeds. My work was not yet finished. I had an entire life to fill. I walked back over to my apron, lifted it around my waist, and began the good work of planting one seed, naming it, and moving to the next.

    One day, I reached the end of my lands. The planting of seeds was no longer necessary. A new adventure into a new land, already planted, awaited. However, there was an infinite amount of seeds available. I realized a lifetime is not enough time to count every blessing.

    I took off my apron, threw the seeds up into the air, and the wind carried them past the clouds and out of site. They were off to find a new home in another heart. My harvest was plentiful, and my life was full. The life I left behind was fields of lavender, fragrant and dancing in the wind. It was watered with the sorrows of my neglect, and planted by the strength of my hope. Gratefulness filled every inch. I smiled knowing this harvest gave to all who knew me and provided me with what I desired most: a beautiful, wondrous, joyful life.

  • 5 Life-Changing Questions

    5 Life-Changing Questions

    My husband has been through an epiphany.

    Before last year, my husband was continuously self-sabotaging.  He was grumpy and depressed. He lacked intimacy, peace and gratefulness. His overall distaste and lack of confidence seeped into every corner of his life. He was a mess.

    He had to change his mind.

    The type of change of mind I am referring to has nothing to do with deciding on a different restaurant at the last minute or taking off one shirt to wear another. This change of mind favors that of repentance. A complete change in the state of thinking and reaction.

    In November of 2016, Steve realized his fight with depression and “stinking thinking” was sucking the life’s blood out of his day, out of himself, and out of his relationships. He decided he needed help. After consulting a psychiatrist, Steve started taking Prozac.

    Immediately, I noticed a difference. All of those “old Steve” ways of thinking were beginning to vanish. Also, during this time, he came up with a series of 5 questions he began asking himself every morning. The positive shift was powerful.

    This blog is a collection of interviews I have had with my husband about his 5 questions and how they have had an impact on his life. They have led him to mindfulness and gratitude.

    Here are his 5 questions:

    Do I have food?

    Do I have shelter?

    Do I have love?

    Do I have a sense of purpose?

    Do I like myself?

    DO I HAVE FOOD? DO I HAVE SHELTER?

    These two are fairly simple. Do you have food? If the answer is “yes,” you are ahead of most people in the world. Most of us have way more than we need.  Do you have shelter? If the answer is “yes,” then you, again, are ahead of the game. Not only do we have shelter, but we have a comfortable climate controlled home, a nice warm bed, a T.V. for entertainment, dishes to put our food on, clean water, hot showers, the beverage of our choice, the meal of our choice…you get the idea. EACH ONE OF THESE THINGS IS A BLESSING. We oftentimes take this for granted. However, one look at a refugee camp or a starving and thirsty child should be enough to remind us all we live in luxury.

    Steve says, “Recognizing our blessings and being content with those blessings is the first step towards true happiness.”

    DO I HAVE LOVE?

    This is a huge question. It encompasses peace with self and others.  Steve argues, “It means I must do everything in my power to be trusting and trustworthy.”  This includes forgiveness of self and others and shedding the judgement of self and others. The way of love and peace is to not worry about the past and to not fear the future. This is a way to live completely in the moment.

    This also opens up the pathway to intimacy. Intimacy should be limited to those we trust.  Steve stated, “As we grow the circle of family and friends we trust, our love grows. We become more complete individuals.” 

    Peace and love start with the individual, not the other way around. It grows outward from inward. Love is bigger than oneself, yet it begins within oneself. 

    DO I HAVE PURPOSE?

    Steve suggested, “This question can be periodically changed up depending on what I am going through at the moment. The basic gist of the question is ‘Do I have purpose? Am I better today than I was yesterday? Am I providing a better existence for my wife and son? Are my pursuits healthy for me and for society?’”.

    There are 4 basic ways to make decisions that enable us to pursue our goals and find meaning in life:

    Is this…

    Good for me and good for others?

    Good for me and bad for others?

    Bad for me and good for others?

    Bad for me and bad for others?

    No two people are on the same path. Our own perspective is the only one we know. It is like a fingerprint: you, and only you, own it.  However, focusing on doing what is good for one’s self and good for others leads us to not kill, not steal, and not harm anyone.

    “I am still growing in this area, as with the other areas, but I find when I ask myself this simple question throughout the day, my purpose and my pathway becomes crystal clear.”  Steve also said he has found this approach to be most beneficial in the moment. He says he makes better decisions each time he asks himself this question.

    DO I LIKE MYSELF?

    This question presents itself as a challenge for most, but the general idea is this: Am I happy?  Contrary to most thinking, happiness is not an emotion. It is a state of being.  Happiness transcends situations and emotions. Steve said, “I am on the path to living in the here and now.”  True happiness is found in the here and now. It is not found in the past nor in the future. It is happening before our very eyes. All we have to do is plug into now.  Being mindful and present leaves one in a state of “blessedness.” When we feel blessed, we like ourselves. We love our life. Liking one’s self and being happy are the same idea.

    These 5 questions have made a remarkable difference in the lives of every single person Steve is around. I have seen a man, beaten and destroyed by himself and others, pick himself up off the ground, brush off his clothes, and march ahead with joy and focus. Our marriage is stronger, more intimate, and more trusting than before. His relationship with our son has grown into a blooming grove of peace, love, laughter, and listening. His relationships with his co-workers and friends is one of joy and admiration.

    Everyone hits a snag in the road. There is no way around it. Keeping in mind these 5 questions and what they represent helps us not only live a more joy-filled existence, but it also helps us regain our balance and find our feet after the bump in the road sends us flying.

  • When Dreams Die

    When Dreams Die

    We always had a Christmas program. Every year, our children’s choir director, Ms. Mary Evelyn, would bestow upon us our musical. Somehow, I always ended up being Mary. I was ok with that because Mary always had a solo. Of course she did! She WAS the mother of Christ.

    We rehearsed and rehearsed the musical until we had it down pat. It was fun and exciting every year. This was the beginning of my life–long passion for music. I have never completely stopped playing music. When I found out I was pregnant, a new dream began…the dream of having a child who would do these same things.

    TODAY IS NOT YESTERDAY

    Today, our church had the children’s choir sing. I sat and watched the children of our church sing and speak lines they had memorized. They did a fantastic job. But, as I sat there, my heart felt sadness I could not stop. It was running water of sadness that enveloped my whole being: my son was not part of this choir. I realized: My dreams of parenthood were completely squashed. Totally torn down the bone, and then, the bones of these dreams were pulverized. My son could not ever do what those kids did today. He cannot stand in one place, he tries to sing, but without words, he has no guideline, he cannot memorize parts, etc. He just cannot do this.

    As most of you know, Asher is autistic. Amongst his myriad of autistic behavior, the most prevalent is his inability to speak. People ask, “Is he non-verbal?” No. He is verbal all right. You just cannot understand one word coming out of his mouth. He tries, though. He works so damn hard.  I don’t think I have ever seen anyone work so hard for something in my life.

    Our friends’ son walked to the microphone and sang his solo perfectly. I tensed.

    “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY CHILD?”, I asked God in an angry tone. What I felt in my spirit was frightening.

    “Autumn, dear, I believe you meant to say, ‘Why did you do this to ME?’”

    My entire being was silenced.

    A FAMILY AFFAIR

    Autism, as I always say, is a disorder the whole family experiences. In this case, Asher would have been absolutely miserable in the children’s choir. The way he feels things, sees things, hears things, smells things is on high alert at all times. Though my heart would soar if I could get him involved, he would be miserable.

    LIFE OR DEATH?

    What happens when dreams die? I pondered this throughout the rest of the morning. It seems to me Jesus told us what happens when dreams die.

    New dreams are born.

    Dreams, you didn’t even know you had because they were hidden by all the fluff, are resurrected. They are deeper and far more meaningful.

    After church, as I was talking with someone when I heard, “MAMA!”. I turned around to the brightest smile connected to the greatest heart I have ever known: My little boy. I picked him up and wrapped him in my arms. As he hugged me back, the agony of the death of my dream was gone.

    When you are a parent of a child who has challenges (and lets face it, who is COMPLETELY different from their peers) you watch your dreams die often. In that death you find it fertilizes new dreams. Our new dreams are of our children thriving inside of their challenges and facing their fears and conquering them.

    I watch my child fight his battles everyday. Sometimes, he wins. Other times, he does not. His biggest worry is not whether he has his parts memorized or whether he has his lyrics down. No. He worries he cannot get his point across. He worries if he has made someone mad or sad. As I said, he has a great heart.

    NO MORE SAD TEARS

    My time of tears and sadness are over. I will, again, grieve the death of my dreams. It will happen. I am not perfect. I will, again, be reminded of the new birth of new dreams. Dreams bigger and brighter than any of the other dreams I previously grieved. Why are they bigger and brighter?

    Because…I see God’s love every time I look into the big blue eyes of my baby. God adores me. God ADORES him.

    My son is my dream. He embodies love and kindness. This is a dream come true. This dream is life. This dream can cause real change in this groaning world.

    Even though my little boy will never be “normal” (whatever that is), God says to him,

    “COME AND DANCE AND PLAY! Let ALL the children come to me! And, Asher, show me that booty dance! I love that dance!”

    When my dreams have died, God’s dreams have just begun.   No matter what roadblocks are put in front of my boy, God says,

    “You are MINE, little boy. NO ONE can separate you from me. You just be you…this is all I ask. I made you perfectly imperfect. You have a purpose, and that purpose is to love me and love everyone else.”

    In all the productions and chaos and pride and societal norms and rules and regulations and fake and falsehoods and bullying and fighting, God whispers to me,

    “None of that is real. If you want to see “real”, look at your son. He is mine, and through him, I shine.”