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“OH JESUS! HELP ME, GOD!”
The winding country roads filled with clouds of dust and dirt as my friend, Jerry Dwain, navigated the sharp turns and twists like a NASCAR driver. He owned a bright blue Z28, and he drove it at full capacity.
The day had begun with a simple request.
“Hey, Autumn! I’m headed out to look at a horse. Wanna come?”
I agreed.
Jerry Dwain, was horse crazy. This part of his life I only heard about. My eagerness to support him in his pursuits caused me to accept the invitation.
CHILDHOOD ALLERGIES
As a child, I had severe allergies. Most foods, mold, mildew, and all animals caused me to go into reactions. Often, the reactions would send me to the hospital. Much of my early years, I considered the hospital to be a second home.
The worst of the reactions?
Horse hair/dander
Before my parents knew any of this, they allowed me, at 2 years old, to go on a horseback ride with a family friend. Not long after this ride, I came close to death. I stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. It would not be the last time.
My parents tried to avoid horses, but with horse and cattle farms everywhere in our South Alabama culture, it was impossible.
My little sister once went horseback riding with a friend. As soon as she stepped into the house, the allergies kicked my butt. Back to the hospital for me, and I never touched her.
These types of situations happened all the time. The doctors said I would outgrow the allergies. I believed them.
NOT ANOTHER FRIEND!
Many years later, I met my soul sister, Cris. This friendship was “love at first sight”. We swear we were friends in previous lives. Then, she said these words: “I love horses!”
“Well, shit,” I responded.
She laughed at me. I told her my predicament.
“Well, shit.” She responded.
Then, we found out we were pregnant the same month. Our firstborn children were born 4 days apart.
Cris had gotten serious about her horses, and her daughter, as a babe, would frequent the barn. I wanted my son to go, too. How could I keep this wonder from him? It broke my heart.
RETRAIN THE MEMBRANE
After Asher’s diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, Cris called.
“Girl! Get him involved with Happy Trails! They are awesome!”
“I wish I could, but…” Cris understood. She knew something I did not, but, being a great friend, she waited to tell me.
Cris started a teacher facilitator program a few years later. The program worked with horses and humans. Yoga, Somatics, and other alternative therapies taught students how to help others. She asked if I would be her guinea pig. I told her it was fine, but, NO HORSES! She agreed, and in January 2017, we began.
The lessons were odd. It took me a minute to become accustomed to the style, but after a lesson or 2, I was starting to see differences.
Cris gave me a list of questions to answer, and one of those questions led me to where I am today.
“What is a dream you never think you’ll see come true.” (A synopsis)
Easy one.
I want my child to be in therapy at Happy Trails, and I want to ride horses.
When I told Cris my answer, she smiled.
“I’ve been waiting to talk to you about this,” she said. “I do not doubt you have allergies, but I believe your biggest problem with horses is PTSD.”
My face must have mirrored my confused mind.
“Autumn, you went through a lot. Why don’t you have the doctor run an allergy test on you to see where you are now. Then, we will take the next steps to make this dream come true. We are doing this. Are you in?”
“Uh…let me think about it.” That’s exactly what I did.
A couple of months later, I called the doctor.
The results of the test were encouraging. The nurse said, “Wear a mask and gloves, make sure your arms are covered around the horses, and you will be fine.”
I asked, “So, what exactly will be my reaction? Will I need hospitalization if I do not do these things?”
“No,” she answered. “You will need allergy medicine. You’ll be sneezing and itchy. Allergy meds will take care of it.”
“Ok,” I responded with a shake, “so, if I start allergy meds daily, will that cover it?”
“Yep. It should. Take it slow. Be mindful. Take your meds. You will be ok.”
JUMPING INTO THE WATER
As soon as I stepped out of the car, I walked over to the horses. It was Cris’ daughter’s 8th birthday. They had recently moved to a majestic farm. They had also moved their horses, and the barn was close to the house. This was my first visit since the horses moved. Fear gripped me.
“It is ok, Autumn. You have meds on board. Let them come to you. You’ll never know what will happen unless you try.” I convinced myself and proceeded with caution.
Indiana Jones walked over to me (a beautiful, gentle horse). I reached up and touched his soft nose. I looked him in the eye and smiled. Everything was ok! I cried.
GET ME HOME!
Jerry Dwain rounded the sharp curves, “OH GOD! GET ME HOME, JD!”
My dad came home not long after we arrived. Jerry Dwain sat in a chair staring at me as I struggled with my body on the couch. Dad relieved him of his duties.
“Autumn, what were you thinking?” Dad was angry as he handed me my meds. “Go get in the shower and wash it off. If you get any worse, we will head to the hospital.”
A hospital visit proved unnecessary. Though the night was difficult, I managed to stay above the line of emergency.
HAPPY TRAILS
“Sure! I’m there on Friday. Would you and your son like to come out then?” I had spoken to Kathi, the owner of Happy Trails, of my horse allergy drama. She was happy to help me overcome my trials. We would take it slow.
We arrived and were greeted by a dog fascinated with the game of fetch. My husband and Asher played with the dog until Kathi returned from a ride.
After the introductions, a horse, a gorgeous brown horse with black legs that looked to be dipped in paint, caught my attention.
“She is gorgeous!” I exclaimed to Kathi.
“Let’s go meet her. Her name is Zoe. She is an Arabian.”
I had smelled the horses in the air. The mask was in my hand at the ready, and I had used it a few times out of pure fear. But, for Zoe, I wanted to be without it. I didn’t want to frighten her.
Kathi attached all the head gear and explained the purpose of each rope as she worked. I couldn’t wait, so I walked over to Zoe. My stomach bubbled with excitement and fear. I reached up and stroked her face.
“Hello, Zoe! You are a beautiful horse! And you know what else? You are helping me overcome a mighty giant. I will always love you for it.”
My courage mounted as Kathi handed me the rope and allowed me to play a game with Zoe.
I continued patting her face, her hair, her neck, and her body.
No reaction.
We went into the barn and met the other horses.
No reaction.
Kathi’s brilliance and training was clear. Her presence told me if I needed a break, it would be fine. Her confidence in my ability to triumph surpassed my fears.
When it was time to go, she encouraged me to sign Asher up for lessons. I knew he would thrive in this environment. His countenance, being around the horses, had changed. Yes. He would be signed up.
PTSD BE DAMNED
I got a little sneezy when I returned home, but, I was fine. I also made my son and husband strip their clothes and put them straight in the wash. Old habits die hard.
PTSD, at its core, speaks lies. Though the experiences that caused the PTSD are real, future reactions to similar experiences are not. It takes a retraining of the brain to realize the new is not the old. After years of desire, I finally torched the idea I would never touch a horse.
One of the first things I did after going to the farm was to send a picture to Cris. She was thrilled!
Then, I sent the photo to Jerry Dwain. He and his husband own a horse farm in Florida. JD has become a notable horseman, and he breeds show horses. This was his response to my photo: “The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man.”
Yes, Jerry Dwain. You speak the truth.
As a child, the outside of a horse broke the inside of me. The doctor said I would outgrow it, and I did. What I did not outgrow was fear. Fear, as I have learned, is not something to outgrow. It must be fought.
After years of PTSD symptoms, the thing that almost killed me healed me. The war within my body turned into a war within my mind. Winning did not occur overnight. It was a steady uphill battle. But, when the battle ended, a dream came true.
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
This non-profit is a worthy cause. To sign up or donate, please visit their website!
Quote from their site:
“We are horse lovers who use horses to improve the lives of children and adults with disabilities. Our
goal is that the personal confidence students gain from Therapeutic Riding will affect their lives in a
positive way.”
goal is that the personal confidence students gain from Therapeutic Riding will affect their lives in a
positive way.”
Cris Pyle works with people and horses. She offers her expertise to those wanting to become their best, and her services are available for helping your horses, too!
Jerry Dwain’s farm in Florida is a wonder! Check it out!
This site offers more information on PTSD. Name it then work on it! You can do this!
